Kangaroo Leather Bullwhips

Bullwhips Cover Page

Copy and paste version: desert.minx@mojaveoutliers.com

First, of course, the pricing chart and ordering instructions just to keep things easy to find. Note: if you would like spiral plaiting (16 plait or above) on your whip, talk to me first, but ordinarily add $100.

Bullwhips Pricing Chart
12 plait 16 plait 20 plait 24 plait
6 feet $565 $655 $745 $835
8 feet $665 $755 $845 $935
10 feet $765 $855 $945 $1035
12 feet $865 $955 $1045 $1,135

Once we have the details sorted out, I’ll give you a quote for how much your build will cost, but I won’t send you an invoice until I’m ready to start your build. I use PayPal for invoicing (no, you don’t need to have a PayPal account to use PayPal). If you want to make a purchase right now, then take a peek in the upper right side bar, where I have items that are ready to ship are featured, if any.

Above, of course, is a pricing chart for Bullwhips.  Length is for the whip itself, not counting the fall and cracker.  For instance, if you order an 8 foot whip, the finished whip will be longer than that once you add in the fall and cracker. Yes, I can build whips at lengths in between the ones listed in the chart above, just send me an email and I’ll give you a quote. Also, all my full size bullwhips are naturally weighted, but if you’d LIKE a shot load, I’m happy to do it for you, just let me know.

Are you looking for something a little smaller? I also make mini bullwhips! The page is right here!

12 ft 32/16 plait split spiral bullwhip JB

THIS is a 12 ft 32/16 plait split spiral bullwhip.

5ft 16 plait bullwhip Brandly Saddle Tan

A 5ft 16 plait bullwhip in brandy and saddle tan kangaroo leather. The pattern is single strand offset, with diamond plaiting on the handle so that a strand of brandy spirals around the handle.

Handle Detail

…detail of the handle on the 5ft 16 plait bullwhip in brandy and saddle tan….

Mojave Outliers Whipmakers 7ft 16 plait Bullwhip DC Red and Black kangaroo hide leather

7ft 16 plait bullwhip, 8″ handle, in black and red kangaroo leather. For larger whips like this, I find the poly cracker works very well.

Mojave Outliers Whipmakers 7ft 16 plait Bullwhip DC Red and Black Kangaroo leather hide handle detail

Detail of the handle of the 7ft black and red bullwhip above…nice guitar, eh? ;)

Bullwhip 8ft 24 plait black roan red

This one is an 8′ 24 plait bullwhip, with 4 plaited bellies!

Bullwhip 8ft 24 plait black roan red HD2

Detail of the handle of the black roan and red bullwhip

An 8ft 24 plait bullwhip in black and forest green kangaroo leather.  As you can see, the green leather darkens to all but black with leather conditioner, so it's hard to see the difference except in just the right light.

An 8ft 24 plait bullwhip in black and forest green kangaroo leather. As you can see, the green leather darkens to all but black with leather conditioner, so it’s hard to see the difference except in just the right light.

A close in shot of the bullwhip above.

A close in shot of the bullwhip above.

Detail of the handle of the 8ft bullwhip above.  This is 24 plait in black and forest green.

Detail of the handle of the 8ft bullwhip above. This is 24 plait in black and forest green.

Kangaroo Leather Target Hybrid Signal Whips

Hybrid Signal Whips Cover

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What is a hybrid signal whip? It is, simply put, a whip with the cracker attached directly to the thong as usual (no fall), but which has a rigid handle. Other names for this are “target hybrid” or “target signal,” because of course the rigid handle makes the whip a little easier to manage in terms of accuracy.

Handle length for the 3ft whips is 5.25″. You can choose the length of handle up to 8″ for 4ft and above. See the chart below for more details.

For spiral plaiting, talk to me FIRST, but figure on adding $100 to the price of the whip (and be prepared to receive a work of art!).

You will observe that the 3ft whips are ONLY available in 12 and 16 plait. If you would like a custom spiral design (at 16 plait or above), then that means I’ll do what’s known as a “split spiral,” which entails building lace at 8 plait (for 16 plait spiral), 10 plait (for 20 plait spiral) or 12 plait (for 24 plait spiral), and then splitting the lace at the heel end to create the strands for the spiral plait. This is an enormous amount of quite fiddly work just to make the lace, before you even get to the spiral plait, so, a 3ft 16 plait split spiral is $575, a 3ft 20 plait split spiral is $600, and a 3ft 24 plait split spiral is $625. Observe also that it would be less expensive to get a 4ft whip, because those I can do with a normal spiral plait, with just the $100 up-charge.

Yes, I’m happy to do a whip in half foot increments (i.e., 3.5ft), just ask!

Hybrid Signal Whips
12 plait 16 plait 20 plait 24 plait
3 feet $350 $375 Not Available Not Available
4 feet $370 $395 $435 $455
5 feet $390 $415 $455 $475
4ft 16 plait BW Hybrid Signal Whips Handle Detail Mojave Outliers

A pair of 4ft 16 plait hybrid signals in black and white…

Mojave Outliers Whipmakers 4ft 16 plait hyb sig b and w JH2

The second of the pair of 4ft 16 plait hybrid signals pictured above…

Purple Kangaroo Leather Hybrid Signal Whip

A lovely 4ft 16 plait hybrid signal whip in purple kangaroo leather, short herringbone on the handle…

Mojave Outliers 4ft Black Red Target Hybrid Signal 150

This is a 4 foot 16 plait hybrid signal whip done in red and black kangaroo hide with an alternating chevron pattern, shot loaded core, and replaceable cracker. The handle has a 6 inch steel core.

Mojave Outliers 4ft 12 plait Black Red Target Hybrid Signal Whip 150

This is a 4 foot, 12 plait Hybrid Target Signal whip in red and black kangaroo leather. Bird’s Eye plaiting on the handle and regular herringbone plait on the thong. The replaceable cracker in THIS rendition is red nylon.

4ft 16 plait W&B Hybrid Signal

Recently completed, this is a 4 ft, 16 plait hybrid target signal whip in whiskey and black kangaroo leather. The Bird’s eye pattern on the handle is modified to account for the extra strands, and is then stabilized with short herringbone at the heel. Nice, eh? This is also an example of a more rounded heel knot, per request by the client who ordered this whip.

JD Hybrid Target Signal Whip

THIS little beauty is a 24 strand spiral plait in brandy and whiskey kangaroo leather, at 4 ft long, with a 6″steel core handle.

Mojave Outliers Whipmakers 18 plait 4ft Hybrid Target Signal Whip

This one is a little unusual in that it is an 18 plait, rather than the more usual 16 or 24 plait. The plaiting method is spiral, with an accent on the thong. The whip is 4ft long with a 6″ steel core handle, thong is shot loaded.

4ft 24 plait Hybrid Signal DH 2

4ft 24 plait hybrid signal whip, spiral plaited in navy blue and natural kangaroo hide.

5ft 24 plait Black and Natural Hybrid Signal

This is a 5ft 24 plait hybrid signal aka “Frankenconda” (or “Frickenconda” as it sometimes was), weighing in at over a pound, with heel diameter of 25.97mm, which includes an extra plaited belly. Don’t drop it on your toe! Too, THIS one has a 15″ twisted Dyneema cracker on it. Yes, we QA’d the whip, and anyone who thinks signal whips are no good for cracking, come see me.

Mojave Outliers Whipmakers 5 ft 24 plait Navy Blue and Natural Hybrid Signal Whip DH

5ft 24 plait hybrid signal in alternating chevrons. Lookit how straight that plaiting is! LOOKIT!! lol!

Mojave Outliers Whipmakers 4 ft 16 plait Bruins Hybrid Signal Whip KM

4ft 16 plait hybrid signal whip a la the Boston Bruins!

Mojave Outliers Whipmakers 4ft 16 plait Bruins Hybrid Signal Whip heel detail KM

Detail of the heel knot of the Bruins whip…my client provided me with the pin

Kangaroo Leather Signal Whips

Signal Whips Cover

Copy and paste version: desert.minx@mojaveoutliers.com

First, of course, the pricing chart and ordering instructions just to keep things easy to find. Details about signal whips follows. Note: spiral plaiting will add $75 to $100 to the pricing depending on the design.

You will observe that the 3ft whips are ONLY available in 12 and 16 plait. If you would like a custom spiral design (at 16 plait or above), then that means I’ll do what’s known as a “split spiral,” which entails building lace at 8 plait (for 16 plait spiral), 10 plait (for 20 plait spiral) or 12 plait (for 24 plait spiral), and then splitting the lace at the heel end to create the strands for the spiral plait. This is an enormous amount of quite fiddly work just to make the lace, before you even get to the spiral plait, so, a 3ft 16 plait split spiral is $565, a 3ft 20 plait split spiral is $590, and a 3ft 24 plait split spiral is $615. Observe also that it would be less expensive to get a 4ft whip, because those I can do with a normal spiral plait, with just the $100 up-charge.

Signal Whips
12 plait 16 plait 20 plait 24 plait
3 feet $340 $365 Not Available Not Available
4 feet $360 $385 $425 $445
5 feet $380 $405 $445 $465

Very good, and now for a few details!

What IS a signal whip? It’s a smaller whip, between 3 and 5 feet long with no fall—the cracker is attached directly to the body of the whip itself. Signal whips don’t have a handle, either—that is to say, the part where you hold it is not rigid, instead it is flexible (in contrast to a bullwhip, for instance, which has a stiff handle that doesn’t flex with the thong of the whip). I have two general build styles; the first has the handle area bound quite firmly, so that it flexes less relative to the rest of the thong–this helps with leverage. The second style involves a “hard bind” for the first two inches under the heel knot, and then the rest of the thong is kept fairly evenly supple all the way to the heel knot. The two styles are distinctly different for throwing, but I like to be versatile!

4ft 24 plait signal whip in black  with red and orange chevrons, Dyneema tail assembly.

4ft 24 plait signal whip in black with red and yellow chevrons, Dyneema tail assembly.

A pair of 4ft 20 plait Signal whips in all black kangaroo leather, with WHITE Dyneema tail assemblies, diamond plait on the handles.

A pair of 4ft 20 plait Signal whips in all black kangaroo leather, with WHITE Dyneema tail assemblies, diamond plait on the handles.

3.5ft 16 plait signal whip in whiskey kangaroo leather with black & blue chevrons, black Dyneema tail assembly

3.5ft 16 plait signal whip in whiskey kangaroo leather with black & blue chevrons, black Dyneema tail assembly

Mojave Outliers Whipmakers 4ft 16 plait signal whip spiral switched thong

A 4ft 16 plait signal whip in brandy and whiskey kangaroo leather, with modified bird’s eye spiral plaited into the handle area. An interesting bit about this whip is the thong, which has two strands switched to change it up a bit from the usual 1/4 seam regular herringbone.

3 half 24 plait Signal Whip

A 3.5ft, 24 plait signal whip, spiral plaited in black and purple kangaroo leather.

Mojave Outliers Whipmakers 3.5ft 16 plait signal whip roan black & natural kangaroo leather

Mojave Outliers Whipmakers 3ft 16 plait MSK red black white

5ft Rud Signal Whip

Mojave Outliers Whipmakers 4ft 16 plait Signal Whip Spiral SC

A 4ft, 16 strand spiral plaited signal whip in red and black kangaroo leather.

Mojave Outliers Whipmakers 4f 24 pl spiral Signal Whip TB handle detail

Handle detail of a 4ft 24 strand spiral plaited signal whip.

For learning to throw, and unless you have a large space in which you can use a larger whip, I usually recommend either a 4 ft signal whip or a 4 ft hybrid signal whip. The compact size makes it useful indoors in most spaces, yet the whip isn’t so short that it might be too fast for a beginner. The decision is of course ultimately up to the client, but I do recommend at least safety glasses! 😉

Coronavirus: What To Do

This particular write on the subject (Coronavirus) isn’t going to be about washing your hands, not touching your face, cancelling social events, etc. That has been covered so thoroughly that I’m sure all of us are abjectly terrified because it’s virtually impossible to know how to avoid getting exposed (or exposing others), what with all the conflicting reports, suggestions, and voo doo that’s being recommended.

No, I’m going to talk about what to EAT. In other words, how to boost and support your immune system, so that IF (when) you get exposed, your immune system will be charged up and ready to rumble! All this stuff below are things we’re doing in our own household as a matter of regular practice, and even if you start today, you’ll see benefits very quickly.

First, a nice video about what happens once you’ve already been exposed, and what things will impact how your bout will shape up.

So! If you watched the video, you’ll already know that nutrition is the number one area where you can take action to protect yourself from suffering more than absolutely necessary. If you didn’t watch the video, go watch it, for crying in the coffee! What, you’re gonna watch all kinds of vids about not touching your face and buying toilet paper, but you’re not going to watch a vid about something that you can actually do to HELP yourself? It’s only 14 minutes long. I’ll wait.

Okay, straight to brass tacks. For the last couple of days, instead of taking hand breaks from doing whippage, I got some work done in the kitchen. First, I went shopping and got some foodities, and also reloaded on the vitamin supplements my family takes. Then I came home and did some simple prep in the kitchen. First, since my son is a picky eater, I made a huge batch of Broccoli Cheddar Soup, because he LOVES the stuff and eats it like it’s better than ice cream.

Broc-Soup-Mini-Fridge-8-150

It has other secret ingredients in it, too, that are secret because my kid doesn’t like them, but they’re good for him, so my conscience is clear as a bell. It’s dead easy and very fast to make, and if you put it in small containers in the fridge, then serving it is a snap, too, because you just grab the container, heat it in the micro (or stove top if you prefer), and then pour the hot soup over a bowl of fine grated cheddar cheese. The hot soup melts the cheese, and VOILA! Gourmet chow for cranky sick people and picky eaters!

Broc-Soup-Cutting-Board-8-1

Broc-Soup-Giant-Bowl-8-150

I’ll put the recipe down below.

Next, I made a huge batch of

BONE BROTH

If you have someone who’s sick with the flu, or if you yourself are sick, this is the best thing ever, because it’s super nutrient-dense, and since it’s a broth, it’s really easy to digest. And it’s QUITE tasty besides! In fact, you don’t need to wait till you’re sick to have some, and you can use it in your regular cooking, for soups, stew bases, etc. You can even add some to your Broccoli Cheddar Soup to give it an extra special boost in nutrition.

Granted it might give you the heebie jeebies while you’re cooking it….

Bone Broth Velociraptor Claw

Yes, the recipe calls for chicken tootsies. Feet. Don’t feel bad, because millions of years ago, those damned chickens were actually Velociraptors, and they were MEAN SUMB*TCHES, so they’re still working off a crap ton of karma–you’re only doing them a big favor. Chicken feet may seem like more voo doo, but they are full of broad-spectrum nutrients like glucosamine, chondroitin, hyaluronic acid, amino acids, and trace minerals. This gelatinous-rich concoction is gut healing, soothes digestive trouble, and can support healthier skin and nails–and it’s GREAT if you’re sick with something like coronavirus!

For my OWN self, since I’ve been on a ketogenic/intermittent fasting lifestyle since the end of last June (and I’ve lost 60 lbs so far, friends & neighbors!!), I also made a batch of the veggie part of THIS recipe for a “St Patty Melt.” I modified it for keto by just not using bread. Instead, I made it into an omelette, with grated swiss–super yum! It has kale (a well known super-food) and mustard greens (a TASTY green, unlike kale, which when combined with kale in the manner below actually makes kale delightfully edible). I’m not going to include the recipe for this, because the video just below has everything you need to know about what to get and how to do it:

My whole family has been eating a lot more carefully since the beginning of last summer, SPECIFICALLY AND ESPECIALLY in that we don’t eat CARBS! No junk or processed foods. Not a one of us has had so much as a sniffle for the entire winter, which is unprecedented. Usually we’ve each had at least a cold, if not the flu by now. So I’m cautiously pleased, and I am pretty confident that the eating changes I made are the reason we’re doing so much better this year.

There is an enormous number of videos, articles and blurbs out on the net regarding the ketogenic diet and intermittent fasting. Dr. Berg, whose video I linked to above, is a good place to start if you’re interested in learning more. For now, I’ll just pop the recipes for the Broccoli Soup and the Bone Broth down below, if you’d like to try them out.

Broccoli Cheddar Soup

(Disclosure: I got this recipe from Chef John, too, and modified it to suit my family.)

Ingredients for 6 portions:

2 tablespoon melted unsalted butter
1 large onion, diced
2 teaspoons kosher salt, plus probably more to taste
3 cloves minced garlic
2 pounds broccoli, trimmed
5 to 6 cups broth, or as needed to adjust texture
1/2 cup heavy cream
pinch freshly grated nutmeg
freshly ground black pepper to taste
cayenne to taste
Shredded sharp cheddar, gruyere, or combination of the two, or whatever you like, really.

Sauté onion in butter and salt till soft and translucent. Add minced (or crushed) garlic, sauté another minute. Dump in the broth, and turn heat to high and bring up to a simmer. While broth is heating, prep broccoli–basically cut the florets off, then dice up the stems so that everything cooks evenly. Once the stock has come to a simmer, transfer broccoli into the pot. Cover, bring back to a boil, and cook for a couple of minutes, till broccoli starts to soften. Reduce heat to medium low and simmer until the broccoli is tender (just poke it with a fork) about 10 minutes or so. Turn off the heat, and ladle soup into the Ninja (blender or food processor) in batches and blend until smooth. Return to the pot and add the rest of the ingredients. Return heat to medium low and whisk in ingredients till smooth and heated through. Grate cheddar cheese and add to the bottom of some soup bowls. Taste the soup for seasoning (i.e., salt). When you’ve got it where you want it, ladle the soup over the cheese, and serve!

Bone Broth a la Desert Minx

2-3lb bag of beef neck bones
1-2 ham hocks
8 chicken thigh bones (I saved the bones from some roasted chicken I made–just pop them into a zip lock baggie & put in the freezer till you’re ready to make broth; otherwise, just skip this bit)
1 package (10 to 12) chicken feet (you can get this in the meat department at most grocery stores; I found them at Winco with no trouble)
1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
1 large onion, quartered
Several celery stocks
1-2 carrots
1-2 tablespoons salt (to taste)
1 teaspoon peppercorns

2 tablespoons dried parsley
1-2 tablespoons dried thyme
1-2 tablespoons minced garlic (or to taste; we like LOTS of garlic, and it’s a great natural antibiotic)

If your beef & pork bones are raw, then roast them in a pan in the oven at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or so to bring out the flavor.

Put all the bones & feet in a large stock pot, and add enough water to cover generously (like .5 to 1 inch over the top of the bones). Add the apple cider vinegar and give it a stir, then let that sit for 30 minutes so the vinegar can start working on drawing out the goodies from the bones et al.

Add the veggies, salt and peppercorns to the pot, and crank the burner up to high. Bring to a boil (it’ll take a while, be patient). Reduce heat to low and simmer for 12 hours (I start this first thing in the morning and just keep an eye on it throughout the day). If you want you can skim off any foam that develops, but I usually don’t bother. About an hour before it’s done, add the herbs & garlic, and continue cooking for the last hour.

Remove from heat, let cool a little (not completely, because it’ll gel), and then strain the broth. Store in the fridge up to five days, or you can freeze it if you like.

A votre santé!

DM

(SOLD!) 3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir Mini Bullwhip in Whiskey & Saddle Tan Kangaroo Leather!

3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir Mini Bullwhip Whiskey & Saddle Tan

Copy and paste version: desert.minx@mojaveoutliers.com

(SOLD!) A subtle direction this time, 3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir mini bullwhip in whiskey & saddle tan kangaroo leather! The two leathers are very close–intimate, you might say!–creating a soft profile that is somewhat…mesmerizing. 😉 I plaited this in single strand offset, with diamond plaiting on the handle, and it worked out really well, I think. Rest of the specs: 5.25″ steel core handle, shot loaded core, 18″ tapered black latigo fall, B50 Dacron bowstring 8″x2″ cracker, with a saddle tan heel knot & contrasting whiskey bolster.

Here’s a closer up of the handle area:

3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir Mini Bullwhip Whiskey & Saddle Tan Handle

And a detail shot of the lovely plaiting out on the thong:

3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir Mini Bullwhip Whiskey & Saddle Tan Plaiting

Simply send me an email if you’re interested, or you have questions or comments!

Enjoy!

Copy and paste version: desert.minx@mojaveoutliers.com

(SOLD!) 3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir kangaroo leather bullwhip, Coral snake colors!

3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir kangaroo leather Bullwhip Coral snake

Copy and paste version: desert.minx@mojaveoutliers.com

Available now! This luscious dainty is a 3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir mini BULLWHIP, in vibrant Coral snake colors! Yanno, “Red touches yellow, kill a fellow?!” Dunt da dunt dunt! I’m fairly confident that the new owner of this slithy whippy will not need to get QUITE so dramatic just to have a little fun–and this is a LOT of fun, straight out of the box! Here’s the rest of the specs: she has a 5.25″ steel core handle, a shot loaded core, red, black & yellow kangaroo leather overlay, a 22″ tapered black latigo fall, ye olde B50 Dacron bowstring cracker in black, topped off with a classic black pineapple heel knot. (SOLD!)

Here’s a closer up of the handle area and plaiting:

3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir Kangaroo Leather Bullwhip Coral Snake Handle

Enjoy!

(SOLD!) 3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir Bullwhip & Snake Whip

Mojave Outliers 3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir Bullwhip & Snake whip, black & pink hearts Valentine's Day

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Both or either of these charming whips are available to ship in time for Valentine’s Day! First is a 3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir mini snake whip (see below), in black & pink kangaroo leather with a Valentine’s Day heart motif plaited into the handle, and the second is a 3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir mini bullwhip, also in black & pink kangaroo leather with a Valentine’s Day heart motif. The bullwhip has a 5.25″ steel core handle, both whips are shot loaded, with 22″ tapered black latigo falls, B50 Dacron bowstring crackers, & black pineapple heel knots! Lively right out of the box, with a satisfyingly loud crack!

If you’d like to collect one or both of these whips, simply send me an email at desert.minx@mojaveoutliers.com, and we’ll get you sorted and shipped!

Here are some more pics for your enjoyment!

First, the snake whip!

Mojave Outliers 3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir Snake whip, black & pink hearts Valentine's Day

Mojave Outliers 3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir Snake whip Handle, black & pink hearts Valentine's Day

And now, the bullwhip!

Mojave Outliers 3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir Bullwhip, black & pink hearts Valentine's Day

Mojave Outliers 3ft 12 plait Budget Boudoir Bullwhip handle, black & pink hearts Valentine's Day

Again, if you’re interested in purchasing one or both of these whips, simply send me an email!

Copy and paste version: desert.minx@mojaveoutliers.com

Cheers!

Whip Crackers Christmas Ornament!

Dreidel-Cracker-Ornament-Pr

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The product of a seasonal brainstorm! Presenting the Whip Cracker Suite Christmas ornament! O come all ye whip enthusiasts! A charming 30 mm glass ornament filled with five festively colored nylon crackers! Each cracker is a sturdy 8″x2″ size, which will accommodate most cracker needs. Too, which as a petite sadiste I find especially amusing, it provides for a bit of predicament fun and games, i.e., getting the crackers back OUT again! lol! Also, these are vanilla friendly, so you actually CAN hang them on your tree and/or present them as gifts. Available now for $15 each, plus shipping (includes 5 crackers plus the ornament and HOOK, and a little extra for shipping materials since it IS glass). If you order more than one, naturally I can combine shipping. Send me an email if you’re interested! I have both this shape above (Dreidel) and clear round glass balls too (with glitter!).

Christmas Cracker Ball Ornament 2019 All

Christmas Cracker Ball Ornament Center

Christmas Cracker Ball Ornament Left

Christmas Cracker Ball Ornament Right

Cheers!

DM

How to PROPERLY Construct The Tail of your Whip

Doubtless very shortly (as in, the instant the title is read) there will be some significant controversy over whether or not I’ve “hit the nail on the head” as it were with regard to this topic, but when you’re designing a whip, you have the option to plait just a touch more gently towards the tail end, so that the tail maintains a relative suppleness to the rest of the thong, despite that it has less mass and a smaller weave because, presumably, the strands are narrower—the temptation to pull them murderously tight is strong, tempered only by the fear of breaking one (or more) right as you’re coming down the home stretch and you believed yourself to be nearly out of the weeds FINALLY, and you can not entirely without sardonic amusement wrap the whip like a mummy in plastic film from end to end and ship it off to the client, so you need strong motivating factors that remind you to lighten the f*ck up on a consistent basis.

Let us pause here to draw breath, as that paragraph above was all one sentence, and I’m sure you’re all exhausted.

Be all that as it may, I don’t intend to argue the finer points of whether or not you should do this. Instead, I intend to instruct on HOW to do it, SHOULD you decide to do it.

Step One:

Hie thee to the nearest Joann Fabrics, wearing your favorite blindfold (be careful in traffic, though). This is important, because if you don’t, you’ll buy more crap than you can afford, and you’ll kill off a buncha neurotransmitters because you’re overloading your brain on all the rationalizations you’ll be making to pseudo-justify said purchases. Unless of course you’re a politician, in which case rationalizations come quite naturally to you, so a blindfold will only increase the problem exponentially. Do the best you can in any case.

Naturally, the clerks at Joann’s are going to wonder. Just tell them any lie you like to gain sympathy, and ask them to lead you to the scissors rack, because you need a pair of these:

Fiskars Amplify Scissors

This is a feat of engineering brought to us by those seemingly innocuous fellows at Fiskar’s. Do not allow yourself to be taken in, however. The folks at Fiskar’s are bad ass. I want you to understand this. They make every kind of cutting implement imaginable, they’re not picky about how much money you’ve got—if you’re cheap, they got you covered, if you got money to burn, so much the better—and the one thing ALL their implements have in common, large or small, is that their blades will chase you around your work space with murderous glee if you don’t watch them without blinking. Very similar to Beven’s Infernal Device, but let’s not open THAT can of worms, as I’ve covered that topic with symphonies of expletive prose many times over the last decade.

I figure you have enough moxie to figure out how to get away from the clerk and out of Joann’s Fabrics without being arrested and/or committed, so I’ll leave that bit to you. The reason you want THIS pair of scissors is because of the design. They’re called “Amplify.” The handles are designed so that the amount of force you send down to the blades is greater than if you had some other damned half assed pair of cheap shears.

Much. Greater.

Which makes them fantastic leather cutting scissors. Even brand new, untanned leather such as you might find covering the outside of your body. But let’s not get carried away with the foreshadowing.

Next you need to understand that thing in human nature referred to commonly as “incentive.” We have incentives to do some things, and incentives NOT to do other things. The trick is to line up your incentives so that they work in favor of your objectives, right? So. Once you have your evil shears at home, and you’ve ruined your next best pair of scissors opening the package, take them out and position them like this:

Fiskars Amplify Scissors with Finger

Yes, of course this is a bit exaggerated to make the point. All you really need is the very tip of your finger, especially the most sensitive part that you use most often as you’re plaiting. You can experiment around with several of your other spare fingers to see which position will work best, just make sure the windows are closed so the neighbors don’t think you’re engaged in yet another kink bacchanal and start rolling their eyes knowingly and smirking at you every time they see you outside in the driveway.

Next, snip that finger with those devil shears like you think you’re immortal. Here’s how to tell you’ve got it right. First, your workspace will instantly look like this:

Blood Ouch

Run to the nearest reflective surface, and make sure your face looks something like this:

Sad Girl

If you have access to a quick MRI, go get one. You’re on the right track if you get your results back and your brain is doing this:

Nuclear_fireball

Bonus points if your whole body feels like two decades of menopause have coalesced in a single instant, and you turn into something like this, only without the nice honkers:

Fire-Lady

By the way, I recommend this brand and type of wound covering:

Bandaid Brand Tough Strips

Granted these days I notice they’ve done the usual “maybe they won’t notice” brand improvement and reduced the size of the gauze pad without troubling to mention it. But just in case those don’t suffice, you might want to make sure you have a coupla these handy:

Military Grade Tourniquet

Okay, now go plait the tail of your whip. I guarantee you will find that your bloody agony DOES INDEED incentivize you to plait like your hands have gone boneless, and you’ll end up with a tail that is beautifully loosey goosey! And if you’re not miserable enough to really nail the technique, try tying a few Dyneema crackers first. Make sure you remove all the protective hockey tape you’ve been wearing so that the ballistics quality thread doesn’t saw through bone and sinew first, because otherwise what’s the point?

Got that? Excellent! Happy plaiting!