How to Tie a Mummy Knot!

First, go find the appropriate vid on Bernie’s channel, and queue that sucker up!

Step One: Learn to make lace. While you’re at it, update your cuss word vocabulary. Then, several years later, proceed to Step Two.

Step Two: Attempt to follow Bernie’s directions. Attempt also to follow directions in any knot tying book, vid, essay, FAQ or any other source for knot tying, because you’ll think there’s GOTTA BE AN EASIER WAY!!! Once you’ve finished gasping in shock because you were silly enough to crack open Bruce Grant’s Monster Book of Monsters, slam it shut again real quick before it eats you alive and head back to Bernie’s vid.

Step Three: Having mastered by dint of grim determination the base of a pineapple knot, get half way through the second pass.

Step Four: Realize you made at least one and probably a whole slough of horrible mistakes as you were tying the base and the 1st half of the second pass, and do it over about 5,000 times.

Step Five: Once you have reached the 5,001st attempt, simply wrap the remaining lace violently and viturperatively around the knot foundation and YANK it TIGHT out of pure spite. Don’t forget your updated cuss word list, it will help tremendously with the vituperative bit!

Step Six: Chuck the whole mess at the wall and go make some popsicle stick men with your kid’s left-over-from-kindergarten bottle of Elmer’s glue and a Sharpie, just to beef up your confidence. Consider therapy.

Step Seven: Clean up the mess at the base of the wall so you can vacuum up the dust bunnies that have collected in the months since you placed it there.

Voila! The Mummy Knot!

Mummy-Knot-150

lol!

Seriously, though, this is the first pineapple knot I tried to tie. I had an awful time, but lookit me now, eh? Don’t despair, if I can do it, so can you. Just go slow, and really, you can stop and start Bernie’s vid as often as you like, WHO’S GOING TO KNOW, right? And no, it doesn’t take very long to figure it out, though it may seem like it. It helps to do one, then do another one right away, so you can start fixing it in your memory. Eventually, you’ll find you understand what you did, I promise.

Too, if you get stuck, just ask someone who’s already recovered from their bout of PTSD.

Cheers!

DM

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